Badger Attack

Driving back from a gig last night I passed alongside a wood not far from home.  There were no other vehicles around at this late hour and as I rounded the bend, an adult badger ran right in front of me, charging intently across the road.  It narrowly escaped becoming road kill and only because I swerved to avoid it, something I remember my driving instructor telling me never to do.  It wasn’t that he didn’t like badgers; it was just he thought better to kill an animal than yourself.

I was relieved not to have hit that animal, but it reminded me of something that happened to me a few years ago whilst walking home from the pub.  I’d had a few beers and a good night out and decided to take a short cut across some fields.  It seemed like a good idea and would shave at least ten minutes off my stagger back.

It was one of those clear sky nights when you can look up into the heavens and appreciate the insignificance of everything.  The vast universe is circling overhead and all you want to do is get back for some cheese on toast.  I stopped at the edge of the field and lay down to look at the stars.  They were moving, in fact they were spinning and it felt like instead of the earth being underneath me it was piled up on top of me, and I was just sticking to it.  That's when I realised those jager bombs were not such a great idea.

As I stumbled to my feet I heard this weird grunting and growling coming from some trees at the edge of the field. The noise was getting steadily louder and more aggressive.  I had to pass near the trees to get over to the road and as I did so the animal stepped into the open.  Even in the poor light I could see the distinctive white stripes of the badger, but this was a giant version.

It probably wasn’t the wisest of things to do to wave my hand at the creature and then make a hasty move for the exit, because the badger lunged at me and got hold of me by the leg.  When I say it got hold of me, it bit into me like a bastard and started shaking its head as if to tear out a bone. 

I was shouting in a high pitched voice: “Fuck off you fucking fucker bastard!” and I tried to shake it off to no avail.  Fortunately, in my pissed state, I couldn't feel very much, but I knew there would be blood.  I limped and dragged it all the way to the wall where it suddenly let go and backed off, still growling at me.  Then it turned and ran back into the undergrowth.

I was stone cold sober and as white as a sheet when I got home.  I had a banging headache and my hangover had arrived seven hours earlier than expected.  I cleaned the wound and could see the deep teeth marks and various scratches where the badger had clawed me.  I couldn't get over how aggressive it had been, but I guess I paid the price for straying too near to a badger set.  Any naive ideas I had about badgers being cuddly and friendly little critters were wiped out that night.  They are wild animals and very territorial, and in many ways we don’t know enough about them.  Whether they carry TB or not I don’t know, but my doctor recommended a tetanus jab.